i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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