One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
