I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
