Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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