I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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