I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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