it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm like, not good at living.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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