The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
