I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Pooping to opera.
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