he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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