A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
