I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just googled if crying burns calories
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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