If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
