Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
