thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize