census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
