The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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