All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
