Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I deserve this hangover.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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