Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You are a genius and a whore.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
