I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
