Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
