Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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