Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
