Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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