If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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