If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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