just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
