apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
home. puking in laundry basket.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
