And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
