fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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