Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
