oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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