she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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