so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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