You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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