I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
