Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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