im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
No subtext here. People are naked.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
