Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
