I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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