Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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