I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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