community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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