I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
