so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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