I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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