i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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