He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize