Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
