i think i scared a bird with my dick
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
