I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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