So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
