the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
