Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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