I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
