I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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