How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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